Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
