I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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