Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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