I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
