apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
