I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
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I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
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I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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