i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Are my feet made of real feet?
As shirtless as possible
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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