the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
