Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
