My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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