I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
