im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
