u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I need water and some morals
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So apparently I’m into choking now
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