Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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