Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
