My room smells like vodka and shame
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs