sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
