So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
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it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?