Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
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I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
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Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.