My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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