why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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