tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
