After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
