Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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