Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She told me I should be a condom model.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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