My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
