chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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