i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
