So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
