Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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