We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just pee around me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
