I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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