I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
