I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
