It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
