You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
