her vagine was all disorganized.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
