The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
