The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
