ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
