Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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