then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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