I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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