Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
