i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
