we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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