I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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