Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
