Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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