i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
