Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
