Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
