We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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