Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
