Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
