At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
