Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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