I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
