i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
