I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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