I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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