I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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