areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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