I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
