And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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