nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
