I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she told me i tasted like america
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Im part way to drunk.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
