hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
