She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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