I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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